MINNEAPOLIS – The University of Minnesota has offered to cancel next week’s football game against the University of Iowa and simply ship the Floyd of Rosedale to Iowa City.
“We are going to get piss-pounded by the Hawks,” said UM Athletics Director Joe Maturi. “Plus we have Nebraska coming in this week and they’re going to kick the shit out of us, too. We are not going to be in any position to defend the pig the following week.”
The Floyd of Rosedale is the traveling trophy awarded to the winner of each Iowa/Minnesota football game.
Head Coach Jerry Kill, whose inaugural season has been plagued with serious health issues, said he fully supports Maturi’s offer.
“This is my first year here and I really don’t care about keeping that pig,” said Kill. “I don’t understand why Iowa wouldn’t gladly accept a week off, get that trophy back, and just leave us be. I’m sure they’re all pissed off about last year.”
During last year’s season finale, the heavily-favored Iowa Hawkeyes lost to the Minnesota Golden Gophers 27-24.
“The Floyd of Rosedale looks really stupid as the only trophy in our case anyway,” said Maturi. “If we can just empty out the trophy case completely, we can use the extra space to store Coach Kill’s Lorazepam.”
Lorazepam is an anti-seizure medication.
“We suck this year,” said Kill. “We could all use a week off and as long as Iowa gets the trophy back, what’s the difference whether we play the game or not?”
Iowa Head Coach Kirk Ferentz could not be reached for comment.